Reference: "Brain Wave Diary" (27-Nov-95) 

I chipped away – and found me

 I looked in the mirror -- as I always do to wash my face. On this day I became startled because I actually saw myself, I mean REALLY saw myself. Of course, I am familiar with my general physical appearance but my shock this morning was to do with focus, clarity and detail. For some reason I saw myself as though for the first time. I was shocked because I found myself wondering, “Who is this person?”

My self-questioning was not so much about the physical characteristics of self, but rather other aspects such as essence and soul -- my metaphysical aspects. I was shocked because I have always taken whom I am for granted. Who else would know me better than me? Well, as I stared at the stranger in the reflection of the mirror the realization swept over me – I had not a clue who I was, anymore!

For years I have raced between the rails of life, inches ahead of the freight train I call destiny. Like the fox that for years kept about his familiar route, an escape path identified for every section and occasion till one day the freight train was two minutes early and the fox, unable to make it to his established escape route in time, was killed. Killed because he did not know he could leave running between the rails at any point in time. A wily but conditioned fox whose escape strategy became his demise.

Had I become that fox?

Over these many years I have gained a patina of external influence. Gradually, unknowingly, I became a stranger unto myself, buried beneath layers of others conditioning, willfulness, regulations, rules, and enforced behaviors and desired traits. I became encrusted with requirements of others, buried under weldments, forgings, casings and the plaster of others molding.

 Parents, teachers, guardians, employers, employees, governments, scientists, preachers, ministers, psycho analysts, authors, bullies, siblings, enforcers, judges, bystanders, helpers, hurters, critics – Who has NOT had a hand in shaping what I must be – for them and their purpose.

It is NO wonder I found myself a stranger!

Since that shocking day, I have committed to peel, scrape and chip away the layers, lumps and coverings of a million influences. I must rediscover who I am before I may rediscover that which I seek. For that which I seek was always with me – I just lost it for a while.

I will have exposed enough of me when I clearly remember the absolute awe and splendor of being seven or eight years old again. The only time in my stolen life that I know I was fit and ready to find, identify and exult all possibilities and miracles.

Chip, chip, chip – I think I am almost there – AGAIN!

~(Wave)~

How about YOU? In Oneness, for we are all a mothers child.

"Whatever you pursue gains credibility... even undeserving things."